Giving thanks

Gorgeous day - beautiful life.

Chocolate!

Meggie bought these for me in San Fran! Chocolate & salt make a great
combination. :p

Survival

I found this in this week's Honolulu Weekly. Pretty funny!

Weekend Report

Okay, so I'm utterly overwhelmed with work. I didn't realize it would take me so F*ing long to get all of the things I needed to done. I've opted to skip north shore surfing this morning so I can get the work I need to done. I really need to get my stuff in order before Meggie gets here.

Pizza!

I'm a chef! Made this from scratch!! Great start to the weekend. I
have a good feeling about this week. Meggie comes to town on
Wednesday! All is good in the world. Getting back on track in swift
fashion.

Oh cute!

I love Iris.

Still doing great

It's been almost a week now and I've been feeling great. I'm really turning a new leaf. I have made progress on a lot of fronts: writing, self, surfing, and work. It feels good to be free right now, and I'm feeling really optimistic about the next few weeks and early next year. I do, however, have a lot on my plate (as always), so I don't think there's much time to waste. I'll send another report when I feel like it.

Things are looking up(date)

This will be a quick one. Just a little "hello" followed by a long sigh. I'm feeling quite great. I spoke with Jack for the first time in two weeks and it was a good, healthy, productive conversation, full of reassurance that we are both doing the right thing. It was good to talk to him, but also helpful to hear that he too has been thinking about me -- and only good, strong, happy thoughts.

I basically told him that I would not be investing any more energy in our friendship until he finalized his divorce. It's all on his shoulders now, and I'm not waiting by the phone. He's in a very selfish "it's all about me" mode right now -- and he needs to be in that mode right now, as he is reclaiming his life for him and him alone. And I'm letting go and being extremely strong and forgiving in the process, which makes me feel good about myself -- that I'm the better person, that I have the power to say "no" but instead am saying, "I'll let you know how YOU do." It's my tightrope, and he's walking on it.

The surf has been good(ish) lately, gratefully, so I've has a nice outlet and a nice distraction from the hum-drum of life. Overall, I'm feeling good -- if not great. I'm feeling less overwhelmed and more in control. I'm getting back on track -- and it only took me two weeks to get here! The devastation was worth the realization of late that life is as it always has been: just fine.

I was scared

I'm definitely turning a metaphorical corner right now.  I'm feeling hopeful and happy.  I'm feeling more and more confident that I'm doing the right thing -- getting myself back on track. 

I listened to a neat interview on NPR with Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer of Weezer.  I'm a big Weezer fan.  This stripped down version of his song "I was scared" is a keeper!  I love it!  Check it out.

The state of the/my world

Lots of new/exciting little things are happening right now to get my mind of the otther less enjoyable/fun things that are also happening -- the biggest of which is that I finally purchased my ticket to the Middle East!  I'm fly directly to Cairo from Honolulu in mid-January and will come home in early March.  Right now, the plan is to make my way across the Sinai peninsula to Jordan, where I'll meet Jane.  She and I plan on traveling in Jordan for a week, and then flying to Lebanon, where we'll spend about 10 days.  Then I'm on my own for 4 weeks.  If I can find a way to get into Syria, I'll do that and then head back to Egypt for the final leg of the trip.

As usual, with all these wacky trips I tend to take, I'm experiencing a mixture of nervousness and excitement.  There's much I don't know about the Middle East -- the first of which is Arabic.  I'm pretty good at languages, but I don't think I can master Arabic within 2 months, now, can I?

The other, more serious and daunting task is the reality that I will need to educate myself on regions that are safe and not safe to go.  I mean, I don't want to accidentally cross into the Iran border now, do I?

But really, I pretty much trust myself and my safety instincts, so I'm not so much scared as nervous.  And the four weeks I'll be on my own will be a real solo mission -- a time to clear my head and my heart.  I feel like every person needs that, and I think I will find that.  Of course, it's not like I HAVE to travel 30 hours by plane (how many miles is that?  it better be a goddamn free flight.) to find myself, it's more like I need to reclaim my independence and rediscover just what it is about me that makes me so strong and worthy.

I know I'm worthy.  If there's one thing Jack reassured me it was that I was worthy -- too worthy for him right now.  But it's important to get some perspective nonetheless.

And some added perspective is that I'm right now needing a little context and understanding for Jack's situation with Susan.  I believe we are doing the right and ethical thing right now by being apart, but it's extremely difficult trusting his ability to do the right and ethical thing when it comes to ending his marriage.  He has so much guilt and residual remorse and obligation towards her that I don't know when he will ever be able to fully and officially make the break.  The current situation in Nicaragua also doesn't bode well for Jack's conscience, so it makes his predicament that much worse.  But I can't concern myself with Jack's problems anymore.  I really have to live my life -- and right now it feels best to let Jack work it out with Susan for HIM.

Life can be a real mess, you know?  I'm just glad it's not mine. I wish I could help him, but I can't really wait around.  I've got Iris to feed, surfing to do, and my own life to live.

I think I'm rounding a corner ever so slowly here.  I'm realizing just how much faith I have that the best things will work out.  It's all just a matter of time and timing.

Sin Nombre

Jane and I saw this amazing movie last night called "Sin Nombre."  It's about a Honduran girl named Sayra and her family's attempt to make it to the Texas border by train.  Along the way, she is saved by Casper, a Mexican gang member and they travel together while at the same time trying to escape the gang that is now on his trail.




The movie didn't quite get my mind off Jack, but it did help to clarify for me why Jack feels so obliged to see Susan through her citizenship process.  The three foreign films I've seen recently (Rio Breaks, Amreeka, and Sin Nombre) all made me very aware of how lucky I am to be a U.S. citizen -- free to travel where I want and when I want.  All these films touched on the hard realities for people in developing countries who are seeking a better life.

I still don't fully understand Jack's predicament, and I don't think anyone can, really, but I am trying my best to be understanding and forgiving while at the same time moving on as best I can.  I mean, I can't wait for someone to come around.  I have a life to live.  My time with Jack was great, but it was also full of unnecessary pressure and disappointment.

I really need to stop spending time thinking and writing about this.  It's been occupying so much emotional energy.  I told myself I'd get off the ride.  At the same time, I want to recognize how I'm feeling and allow it to be part of the process of moving on.

Catharsis

When you cry you succumb to the feeling of hopelessness and lack of control.  It's a very human thing to feel, but it's shitty nonetheless.  I think I'm going to embrace these weepy moments and understand them as part of the beauty of life.  There are ups and downs.  There are things that you can control and other things you can't.  You can choose to forgive someone or you can choose to be unforgiving -- relentless.

I choose to be forgiving.  I choose strength.  I choose embracing the bad stuff because then the good stuff can come.  I choose life and the pain and heartache but also the joy and satisfaction that come along with it.

I know more tears will come -- today, tomorrow, or days/weeks/months from now.  And there is no one to blame for the pain -- not even myself.  The pain just makes the journey more exciting.  It makes life that much more textured and rich.  Without pain there cannot be bliss. 

And now that I'm one empty bottle into my red wine there's not much else I can do but succumb to the pain.  I feel that much more alive because of it, and it feels great.  Actually, it feels like it should feel -- painful but also so human and right.

The light of day

It's hard to get out of the house. But I see the light of day (I'm
walking to my neighborhood coffee shop) and I feel like it just
started. It's 2:15. At least it's not 10 pm and time for bed.

Pajamas

I've been wearing my pajamas all day -- and it's two in the afternoon.  I think that speaks volumes to how I'm feeling right now.  I've pretty much been weeping all morning and allowing myself to feel pain.  I think it's a healthy part of moving on, though, so I'm not so much sad about it, I'm just letting the hurt come in waves and dealing with it by letting it swallow me in its darkness.  The good thing about weeping is that it doesn't last very long.  About 5-10 minutes and I'm pretty much out of tears.  Both Maya and Steph told me to drink lots of water.  Does lots of wine count (because I did drink a half bottle of wine this morning)?  Probably not....

"It'll all get better in time."  That's a Leona Lewis song, and it didn't make sense until now.

Evening the playing field

There's a particular person that I would like to keep from reading my blog right now, so that's why you have the extra step of signing in to read it.  I'm really sorry about that.  I'm hoping that, once things are clearer between him and me, I'll be able to remove the lock on my blog.

Blogging is a funny business, you know?  I put myself out there for anyone to see.  They can read all about me, but unless they have a blog too (only a handful of my friends do), I don't get the same information in return.  I need to even the playing field with regard to this person in particular.  It's just not right for him to know what's going on in my life if he does not reciprocate.

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, but I am feeling significantly better about things.  It became even clearer to me that Jack just isn't providing me with what I need to lead a fulfilling and happy life.  It's clearly disappointing, but I know I'm doing the right thing by moving on in my life without him.

saying goodbye

here we go again.  on the heels of my previous saying goodbye post, i'm finding myself saying goodbye in the figurative sense to someone very special to me.  i didn't see it coming, and i didn't think the end would be so abrupt, but it feels right even though i'm right now all wrong.

i was listening to NPR today and heard the Muppets songwriter play this sweet little song.  it was therapeutic to hear it.



i'm trying to stabilize right now.  i'm trying to maintain a sense of perspective.  i have to have faith that this ending will mean a new beginning.  of what, we'll just have to see.

Emotional Drain

Relationships can sometimes be a real emotional drain.  Last night I was feeling extremely exhausted trying to find a resolution to something that right now has no solution.  I do know that the relationship I speak of has a strong foundation of respect and caring, so I'm just going to let things be until I can't handle the emotion again. 

I've found that some people, although they mean no harm, are just so overwhelmed in their lives that they can be inadvertently harmful.  I was harmed yesterday, but I got my deserved apologies for the hurt I'm feeling, and I'm letting go. 

I've been on an emotional roller coaster and it's time to get off the ride.

Amreeka

My friend Jane will be working at a refugee camp in Palestine for a month, starting in mid-February, and she and I will be traveling in Jordan and Lebanon together for a month beforehand.  When I mentioned this film was playing at Kahala and suggested we see it, she jumped at the opportunity.



"Amreeka" is a great film about a mother and son's journey from Palestine to America.  The movie begins in Palestine, where the two feel like prisoners in their own country.  They are granted permission (after several years in the lottery) to move to America, and jump at the opportunity -- only to discover the land of opportunity is more like a land of promises unrealized.  The film's central character, Muna (the mother), shows real grit and determination by working at the local White Castle, while at the same time trying to understand her adolescent son's difficult adjustment to the stresses of life in a public high school.

Jane and I really enjoyed the movie.  We got so excited when we saw the family smoking shisha from a huka, turned to each other at the same time and said, "I can't wait for the Middle East!"  Despite the political turmoil in this part of the world, the film depicts Palestinian life in America as a struggle that can only be endured with the help of family members and understanding.

I would highly suggest "Amreeka" to anyone interested in learning about what it's like to be a minority in your own country and feel even more alienated when coming to America.

Poser

This is her typical pose when I come home from surfing. What a baby.

My horoscope for this week

... is eerily spot on.  I don't take them too seriously most of the time, but this one has some good pieces of advice:

LEO (July 23-August 22):
It might be tempting to turn your home into a womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely nothing while clad in your pajamas.  And frankly, this might be a good idea.  After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the bridges you've built in the midst of the storm, after the skirmishes you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration.  So I say: Be meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

... so I guess that gives me partial permission to be a social hermit.  Peace and solitude, come to me.

Iris biscuits

Bake Iris's peanut butter biscuits: check!

Okay, so I didn't get to everything I wanted to tonight, but I'm still
happy with my progress. :)

Resolve

I made a breakthrough (after a very helpful and nurturing conversation with Steph tonight) and I want to make sure I write it all down so I don't forget.  And I'm posting it here for accountability.  That's what this blog is for, apparently -- at least right now.  And I really like the fact that I'm utilizing this blog more.  It feels right -- and good.

So: RESOLVE.  According to my dictionary, it is a verb, but also a noun.  And that's how I'm thinking about it today: as a noun.  Something concrete and wholly identifiable.  Resolve is "firm determination to do something."  Throughout my life I've had a great deal of resolve.  I may have been led astray every so often, onto a path that was not the right one, but in my life, I've always been determined.  I've always been invested in seeking happiness.

I have to say -- I've lived a very fulfilling and happy life.  Sometimes, when I look around and compare my life to others I lose a little resolve, but most recently I have been able to separate my life from the rest and see how my path, my direction, is unique and designed (by fate or what have you) purely for me.  I've really grown these past few months.  I've begun to accept my life as a beautiful and spiritual journey.

I've loved every bit of this journey.  Even when I've hit serious bumps in the road, I've learned to love the journey.  And I know my path is heading in the right direction.

How do I know I'm going the right way?  Because I would never take back -- and still don't regret -- anything I've experienced in my life. 

The even greater thing about it?  I still have more than half of it to live.

I am grateful, and ultimately blessed, to have the friends and loved ones who stood by me on this journey.  Ultimately, I have a whole lot of resolve that what has helped me in this journey already will only further my growth as I move forward.  There are only bigger, brighter, better things around the corner.  There will of course be heartache and pain, but life is not so grand unless you truly experience the spectrum of emotion that life so clearly presents to each one of us.

I know I was a bummer this morning, but now I'm feeling so much hope, so much positivity about what the future holds.  I always have, but sometimes I lose sight of it by becoming consumed in disappointment, frustration, anger, and anxiety.  Those feelings are so meaningful and also so necessary, if only to know when you experience deep satisfaction, bliss, and peace.

It's time to do some productive work now.  Time to resolve all of those things I set out to do this evening to make room for tomorrow, and the day after.

My new uke

My day just got way better. Mike came by and dropped off my new
instrument. Time to channel some bruddah Iz.

Reflection

Yesterday was a good day.  I was productive and feeling empowered.  I even fell asleep last night without a sleeping aid (even though I did wake up at 5 a.m.).  But this morning has been a rough go.  I'm feeling sad again.  I'm also feeling really buried in work.  I had over 40 emails in my Inbox this morning, and I'm so overwhelmed with emotion and uncertainty.

I'm feeling like I should crawl back into bed and sleep this rainy day away.  (It's really yucky outside.)  Instead, I have so many things I need to get done, and not enough time to do it.

I'm tired in thought and in need of a pick-me-up.  Maybe I'll go for a surf later today.  Whenever I surf things out I feel much better.  Then, when I get home, this is what I need to do:

• work on PacificReader.com with Taryn
  
• make biscuits for Iris
• write a Moon: Belize review
• write a Cheapflights.com Cuba guide review
• write 2-3 PlanetEye posts
  
• work on a few Rio de Janeiro descriptions for Mark (due Friday)
  
• give feedback on at least one chapter of Kelli's manuscript
• help Bob with his photo press release and descriptions
  

I'm writing these down so I can keep myself accountable.  I'm hoping that by posting it here I'll be able to be more productive and less self-loathing.  And I need to vent. 

on loneliness

being alone has always scared me.

i'm alone right now, sitting in my cozy piikoi apartment. it's not so much quiet because my mind is racing -- and so are the cars outside. actually, it's chaos. my mind is full of thoughts i don't know where to begin....

and i'm not really that alone because i've got iris (thank God for iris), who is snoring in the living room.

i've been alone all my life. sure, i've had friends and companions along the way, but really i've done it alone, and while it's scary, it's also awfully exciting.

alone means i can think what i want and do what i want. it means freedom. alone means less responsibility and more play. it means i'm in charge -- and i like to be in charge. i might need a few more lessons in following.

alone means sometimes i'm stuck with my thoughts, my heart, my body, my soul. it means no one will know if i take my last breath. it means darkness.

right now it's dark. it's the middle of the day, and physically it's light in this room, but my loneliness feels dark.

still i take comfort that alone is light, too -- just not right now. when i'm traveling alone, for instance, the world is drenched in gorgeous light. so it's not always dark. it just feels dark.

right now, alone is dark, but later it will be light again. for that i'm sure.

the world is full of possibilities when i'm alone. it's scary, but it's something one needs to feel in order to know how to deal with your self -- all those complexities that make you you. you have to experience being alone in order to be a true companion. that's something i'm learning right now, and something i hope jack is learning too.

when brian and i broke up i tried to surround myself with friends, only to realize that i was better off just being alone. i'm faced again with that same loneliness now, being so physically distant from loved ones, that i loathe the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. i don't want to grow old and alone. i want a family, and a life beyond this time of loneliness, this time that presents itself before me now like a huge blanket covering a very small bed.

i don't need all of that blanket, mind you, but i will use some of it, and hopefully share some of it when i feel like it or when the time is right.

so, now that i'm alone -- for however long that will be, there are some things i'd like to do. i'd like to use my time wisely, because one day i may never have the same alone feeling as i do now.

here are some things i would like to do -- to build character, and also to enjoy alone time (to be more in the light than in the dark):

• walk iris for an hour every day
  
• swim/surf every day in the ocean -- even if it's yucky out
• cook (make bread, pasta, and pizza from scratch)
• travel
  
• write every day
• finish my memoir
• play the ukelele
• read a new book every month
• go to concerts

loneliness might be scary right now, but there are lots of great possibilities too. things always work out for the best. there's always something beautiful just around the corner. sometimes you don't even have to look that hard to see it.

Why I love my dog

1. All she needs is love, food, and potty breaks
2. I can be naked or cry in front of her
3. She is simple and better than a teddy bear
4. She tells me what she wants and I can always give it to her
5. She makes me feel loved even if she doesn't know it

Being a writer

At what point do the writer gods take attendance and call my name?

I read this article by Junot Diaz today on becoming a writer and so much of it is ringing true for me right now, as I embark on what hopes to be the final push to finish my first book.  (My mind is telling my heart to stop beating so hard.)  It's not a masterpiece by any stretch, and I imagine I may be doing the same thing he did -- tucking his pages of crap into the recesses of my laptop closet and maybe even throwing away the key, but the reality is that I have a whole lot of writing in me.  (My heart is telling my mind just how much I've got.)  This is only the beginning.

I've always been a writer.  Whether these endeavors get me anywhere, I'll still be a writer.  The success is not so important as the yet-unrealized satisfaction of getting to the finish line.  And there will be a finish line.

I'm excited about crossing that threshold.  I'm almost there.  

This is it

It's been... well, it's been a rough 24 hours. Within 48 hours I've gone from high to lower than low -- and then... well, lower.

It's easy to feel down when you've been struck from behind, and that's pretty much what happened to me last night -- on Halloween (of all days!), my least favorite holiday. That day will now be considered a scary one for years to come.

I found myself doing the strangest things today: I had to circle home to grab my laundry, then on my way home I had to circle around to pick up some water at the grocery store; after open house today I took the wrong on ramp and had to circle around the highway to head in the right direction.

I was numb. That's an understatement: I was alone in thought on one thing -- life. Okay, maybe two: life and love.

But right now, I'm feeling resolved. More clear and more clear-headed. Then, this evening, the clouds sort of parted and the moon peaked its way through, casting a dim light (but light enough) on my life: as hazy as it appears, it is here. And I'm still alive.

And I celebrated life today, every painful and joyous bit of it.

I also watched "This is it," which was an amazing tribute to Michael Jackson. What an f*ing amazing entertainer. The end credit read, "Love lives forever." Nothing better sums up my day than that.